Wednesday, I spent a beautiful sunny day with my daughter, Evi at
Carrier Park in Asheville, NC.
(If you got an appointment cancellation from me this past Wednesday.
Now you know why! :-)Evi will be turning 1 on August 23 and she’s just getting the
standing thing down so I don’t want to miss any time with her.Anyhow, we’re sitting at the edge of this big sandbox. She’s been getting really great at pointing directly at what interests her/she wants.
You name it, blueberries, grapes, peaches, birds, flowers, etc. With her in my arms I take her over so she can learn as much as she can about this new and exciting world she lives in now.
Today, she starts pointing towards some kids in the sandbox playing with toy cars. Up she goes into my arms and we’re over there by those kids in no time.I introduce ourselves to the kids and their mom’s and set Evi down where she could play with the other kids. She’s so gentle as she reaches for the cars a little body was playing with. Not even noticing her, he moves further away.
My mind screams, “but she wants to play too!”
The other kids just ignore her and keep on playing.That’s when my heart broke wide open.I felt this sad lonely longing for wanting to be included and accepted. Tears began to well up in my eyes seeing my daughter left out.
I asked myself, “Where was all this emotion coming from?”
I remember other parents telling me, “You’ll never know what love and sacrifice is until you have children of your own.”
Was this what they were talking about?
All sorts of thoughts rushed into my head.
I’ll buy her, her own toy cars!
I’ll buy her anything she wants!She’s my little baby girl and I never want her to go without.
I’ll be there to protect her from this cruel selfish world.And on and on the thoughts kept coming in my head and the
tears were pouring from my eyes. I did my best to hide those
tears from the other parents on the playground.
You know the, “I’ve got something in my eye trick!”Then I stopped for a moment and looked at Evi sitting there covered in sand perfectly
content.Watching, just watching, all the kids and activity going on around
her without a care in the world.
My little girl taught me a lot about what it means to be a father in that moment.
All those thoughts and emotions coming up weren’t hers at all.
They were mine! All the ugly nasty thoughts of pain, loss, jealousy, anger, rejection, and fear were all welling to the surface not be controlled.
There is a Buddhist proverb that says, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”For me to act on those thoughts and emotions would just be projecting those onto her.My job it to be there and support her when she needs me in an instant. Not be over bearing and make my fears and concerns hers. This is her life and her path to experience. She chose me to be her father and it’s up to me to show up for the job!
Wednesday the teacher showed up, I must have been ready…
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